Monday, February 27, 2006

Winter Olympics review by Monkey Critic

Over the weekend monkey watch TV show called Winter Olympics. Monkey not want to, but it was on 100 channels all the time. Monkey not like it. It look way too cold for monkey. Monkey come from jungle. Monkey not want to be in snow.

Also, what kind of crazy games they play? Skiing is OK, but why you stupid humans combine skiing and shooting into one event? Who names an event "skeleton"? And don't get monkey started on curling. Stupid curlers, you go play a real sport now!

Closing ceremonies also bored monkey. Monkey almost fall asleep while stupid humans in white dresses make shape of stupid white bird. And what does human singer Ricky Martin have to do with Winter Olympics in Italy?

Monkey rate Winter Olympics no bananas. Instead monkey introduce new exhibition sport: poo flinging at stupid humans.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dressing rooms

Monkey went to store to buy some new clothes yesterday. Stupid humans never make clothes that fit monkey very well, so monkey went to dressing room to try them on. Store had one set of dressing rooms that was used by both men and women. Also, dressing room walls don't go all the way up.

Since monkey so good at climbing in jungle, monkey climbed up and looked over walls to find pretty ladies. Monkey crawled along top but only found stupid men and one very NOT pretty lady.

So it really wasn't worth getting kicked out of mall.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Plantains are NOT bananas. Monkey know they look similar but are very very different. Bananas are yellow, soft on the inside, and taste yummy. Plantains are green, hard, and taste like rotten potatoes.

So stop sending monkey plantains instead of bananas! Monkey not think it's funny. If one more stupid human sends plantains, monkey going to send something back. Something that looks similar to chocolate but is very very different.

Don't push monkey!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Date Movie review by Monkey Critic

Saturday monkey saw movie called Date Movie. But since no pretty ladies wanted to go on date, monkey went alone and sat in back.

Monkey would review movie more but it not easy to see screen when sobbing into bucket of popcorn.

Monkey give Date Movie no bananas. Monkey give pretty ladies no bananas. Monkey give bucket of popcorn one banana.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Monkey's stiff neck

Monkey sleep on bed with old lumpy mattress. Monkey should buy new bed but still need more bananas, so monkey keep sleeping on stupid old mattress.

Yesterday monkey wake up with stiff neck. It hurt very bad on left side, especially if monkey try to turn head. So all day long monkey walk around with head tilted to side.

Friend of monkey wanted to help and said he learned how to straighten it out from a chiropractor. He grabbed monkey's head and jerked it quickly to the right.

Now both sides of neck hurt.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentines Day, part 2

Monkey say thanks to nice humans and pretty ladies who commiserated with monkey yesterday.

Monkey NOT say thanks to stupid pretty lady at work who, when monkey gave her banana, patted monkey on head and said "You're a great friend."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentines Day

Monkey hate Valentines Day. It just stupid fake holiday to force male humans to buy cards and flowers and candy. And it make single people feel sad and lonely.

Single monkeys, too.

Stupid Valentines Day, you stop reminding monkey not have pretty lady girlfriend!

When monkey rules over all stupid humans, Valentines Day will be banned. Anyone sending greeting cards on February 14th will get face full of monkey poo. Anyone sending flowers will be fed to hippopotamuses. Only exception is pretty ladies allowed to send bananas to monkey. In fact, pretty ladies required to send bananas to monkey.

In meantime, monkey go and cry self back to sleep now.

Monday, February 13, 2006


You stupid humans do one thing right: Sweet, sweet coffee. Monkey love coffee. Monkey drink it every day.

Sometimes monkey drink it hot, sometimes monkey drink it cold, sometimes monkey drink it with chocolate mixed in.

Sometimes monkey drink too much coffee and start climbing and jumping and screaming like back in jungle. Also, it make monkey have to pee a lot.

And sometimes, like today, monkey run out of coffee.

Don't mess with monkey when that happens.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Arrested Development FINALE review by Monkey Critic

Last night monkey stay home and watch final episodes of TV show called Arrested Development. Last half hour was the most brilliant comedy monkey ever seen. But that not matter to stupid Fox executive humans. That not matter to stupid American public humans.

Monkey very very angry with all stupid humans. Even pretty ladies.

Monkey hope you enjoy your stupid Skating with Celebrities and Dancing with Stars and Masturbating with B-List Publicity Whores. Monkey hope you rot your brains with bland emptiness and cliched writing of Joey, Freddie, Yes Dear, King of Queens and all other crap that passes for comedy. Monkey hope you wind up on autopsy table on CSI, Law and Order, Cold Case, Bones, or any of stupid repetitive "procedural shows." And monkey hope you choke on Fear Factor's duck embryos, horse penises, and pig rectums.

Monkey hate you all!

Monkey rate Arrested Development finale four million bananas. Now go away and leave monkey alone!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Arrested Development review by Monkey Critic

For three seasons monkey watch TV show called Arrested Development. Apparently monkey was only one. Tonight Fox airs final four episodes (against Winter Olympics opening ceremonies) and then it off to DVD heaven.

Arrested Development was only show that make monkey laugh out loud. It funny, clever, and always surprising. Plus, it had giant banana stand!

But you stupid humans not watch it. You watch sitcoms like According to Jim or King of Queens instead. Another reason why monkey hate you all.

Monkey hate everyone who not watch Arrested DevelopmentMonkey miss Bluth family already

Monkey give Arrested Development four bananas. Monkey give Fox no bananas because they not ever promote show. And monkey fling poo at American TV audience for having terrible sense of humor.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Monkey got haircut yesterday

Monkey hate haircuts. Yesterday stupid "stylist" cut monkey's hair uneven.

Still, maybe monkey shouldn't have thrown scissors at her.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Stupid busses

Monkey not like busses. They big and stinky and get in monkey's way. Monkey always get stuck behind bus when it stop to pick up stupid humans. Or bus pushes its way in front of monkey's crappy car. Or it blocks intersection and monkey make can't make right turn. Stupid busses, you let monkey in now!

They think just because they're bigger they do whatever they want. One day monkey will buy a bus and stop in front of them. See how they like it.

One day monkey will do lots of things.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Superbowl XL review by Monkey Critic

Yesterday Monkey watch TV show called Superbowl XL. Monkey think it mandatory viewing in U.S. and monkey not want to break the law.

Monkey thought Superbowl XL was OK. Monkey not understand point of moving brown egg-shaped thing back and forth on fake grass but it was fun watching stupid humans crash into each other.

Monkey know everyone makes big deal about commercials during show, but monkey wasn't impressed. In fact, monkey pissed off about that commercial where stupid human work in office with lots of monkeys. That commercial makes monkeys look like jumping idiots and stupid human has to turn chart the right way for them. If monkey was in that office that stupid human would be wearing a face full of poo!

Halftime show was especially boring for monkey. Very old humans sang old songs on giant mouth. Monkey not sure how they not just fall over. Monkey rather see Janet Jackson anyway. She pretty lady. And she have pretty boobie. Stupid Superbowl, you show more boobies now!

Monkey was going to rate Superbowl XL two bananas but monkey taking away one banana for no boobies and another banana for stupid lying monkey commercial. So no bananas for Superbowl XL.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Stupid humans like Oscars more than monkeys?

On Thursday monkey wrote post about Oscars and how they not recognize non-hominid primates in 78 years. Monkey ask readers to boycott Academy Awards by staying home and not going to the ceremony on March 5th.

Not one stupid human wanted to boycott with monkey!

So fine! You all go to Kodak Theatre in Hollywood and watch stupid Jon Stewart make stupid jokes and give out stupid statues to stupid humans wearing stupid dresses and making stupid speeches for four stupid hours. Monkey not care. Monkey not need you. Monkey boycott Oscars all by self.

You not boycott with monkey, you not send monkey bananas, you not monkey's friends! Monkey hope Kong sees this and shows up at Kodak Theatre and steps on all you stupid humans. That will serve you right! Maybe then you listen to monkey!

If monkey could, monkey would fling poo at all of you right now.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Groundhog Day

All day long yesterday stupid humans tell monkey it's Groundhog Day. Monkey not care about Groundhog Day. Groundhog just stupid rodent. He not able to predict weather. He just come out of hole and sees shadow.

Monkey much smarter than groundhog. Monkey make blog. Monkey write movie reviews. But there's no holiday for monkeys. No one ever comes to monkey's home to ask about weather. No one ever comes to monkey's home.

Monkey not want to hear any more about Groundhog Day until there's a Monkey Day! Once a year, all humans be nice to monkeys for whole day. Also, humans give monkeys all the bananas we can eat. And pretty ladies feed them to us. Naked.

Stupid humans, you make holiday for monkeys now!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Academy Award nominations

Even though Oscar nominations were two days ago, they make monkey so angry that not able to write about them until today. So you read monkey's blog now!

First thing monkey want to say is why King Kong not get more Oscar nominations? It best movie of the year. It should be nominated for best picture, best actor (Kong), best actress (pretty lady Naomi Watts), and best everything else. Except stupid Jack Black. Monkey still hate him.

Second thing monkey want to say is why Academy never nominate non-hominid primates? Not once in 78 years. None of the monkeys from any of the three King Kong movies, not the orangutan from those two stupid Clint Eastwood movies, no monkeys from any of the Planet of the Apes movies! Stupid Academy, you nominate simians now!

Third thing monkey want to say is how the hell did Kevin Costner and Mel Gibson each win best director award when Martin Scorsese never did?

Fourth thing monkey want to say is monkey starting boycott of Oscars! They not respect simian actors. Unless they add Kong to best actor category, monkey want everyone who read blog to stay home and not go to stupid Academy Awards ceremony! Who's with monkey?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

State of the Union review by Monkey Critic

Monkey watch TV show called State of the Union. Monkey not like. It star president human George Bush. Monkey not like George Bush. If monkey was president, monkey would give free bananas for everyone! George Bush not give any bananas.

Show also too long. Stupid George Bush talk and talk for boring hour in room full of stupid humans who kept applauding over and over again. Monkey not think that good idea for TV show. Monkey glad it not on every week.

On the bright side, at least it pre-empted stupid American Idol.

Monkey give State of the Union no bananas. Monkey watch paint dry instead.