Monday, January 30, 2006

Champagne, part 3

Now monkey hate champagne even more! Monkey not remember, but ex-girlfriend call to yell at monkey for leaving long message on answering machine Saturday night. She tell monkey not to call any more.

Stupid ex-girlfriend, monkey not even want to call you any more. Monkey glad we broke up. Monkey not need you. Monkey not care if you have new boyfriend. Monkey can have pretty ladies whenever monkey want.

Monkey really really hate champagne.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Champagne, part 2

Monkey hate champagne. Champagne make monkey feel sick. Monkey not get out of bed until noon and then threw up in toilet bowl. Then monkey have horrible headache all day. Monkey still not feel good.

Stupid champagne, you stop hurting monkey now!

Saturday, January 28, 2006


Monkey have champagne at dinnner tonight . Group of us ceblerated friend's birthda y at nice restrauran. Monkey like chammpagne. it taste goodand have litle bubbels so monkey drink lots andlots of it.

Now monkey homne and feel happy. moneyk also feel al ittle sleepy, but monkey not wanto go to bed yet. Maybe monkey wil call ex0girlffriend. Monke misss her and want to talk But mabye tha tnot suhc a good idea

maybe monkey just ea tsome banans and watch tV. Where monkey put sutipd remot econtrol? Why cmonky not ever findi it when need i?t

nmonkey dizzzy now .And veyr tired. MOnky worite more tomowrr

Friday, January 27, 2006

Underworld: Evolution review by Monkey Critic

Monkey see movie called Underworld: Evolution. Monkey not like. Only good thing in movie was pretty lady Kate Beckinsale. She wear skin-tight black outfit that very very sexy. Monkey want to peel her like banana.

Monkey found movie very confusing. Monkey not understand all this werewolf/vampire stuff. Movie spend a lot of time trying to explain it, but it just make monkey bored. And distract monkey from watching pretty lady.

Pretty ladyPretty lady with scary knife

Monkey give Underworld: Evolution no bananas. Except for costume designer. Monkey give four bananas to costume designer.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Why you stupid humans invent chopsticks? Monkey eat Chinese food for lunch today and not understand them. Fork stabs food and picks it up. All chopsticks do is pinch food. Monkey can pinch food with fingers! Monkey not need stupid chopsticks. Monkey just eat chow mein with hands.

Now monkey not allowed in Chinese restaurant any more.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

UPN, WB, and the CW

Monkey hear on news today that UPN and WB are merging into one network. For some reason stupid TV executives think "The CW" is good name for it. The CW sound more like it should be magazine about car washes. Or cat wieners.

They say they decided to merge because old networks had stupid TV shows and low ratings. Monkey not think CW will help. It probably just mean one network but with twice the suck.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Skating with Celebrities review by Monkey Critic

Last night monkey watch TV show called Skating with Celebrities. It make monkey wonder what the hell wrong with stupid humans? Did you think Dancing with the Stars was good, but it might be better if on ice? Was watching B-level former sitcom actors like John O'Hurley fumble through boring dance routines so compelling that we needed to fill airwaves with F-level former sitcom stars Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges repeatedly falling on their talentless asses?

Monkey like TV. Monkey want to see good TV. Every time show like Skating with Celebrities is on, it hurts monkey. Stupid TV, you stop torturing monkey now!

Monkey give Skating with Celebrities no bananas. Monkey cry self to sleep instead.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bad post yesterday

Monkey sorry for yesterday's post. Monkey was low on bananas and got cranky.

Monkey sometimes get so busy with other things, not have time to write for blog. Monkey hate being busy. Monkey also hate having to explain self. Monkey do what monkey do. You cut monkey some slack now! You not pressure monkey!

Sorry. Monkey still low on bananas.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

No post yesterday

Monkey not write for blog yesterday. Monkey busy. Monkey already waste too much time on stupid blog. Besides, monkey not have to post every day. You not send monkey bananas every day!

Why you even care when monkey post? What business of yours is it what monkey do? You not boss of monkey. You get off monkey's back!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Monkey have more to say about Lost

Monkey want to talk a little more about Lost today. And it monkey's blog so monkey write what monkey want.

The only reason monkey not rate Lost four bananas is because in all this time they've never run into any simians on the island. Why there not any monkeys in big jungle? There are stupid boars and at least two polar bears.

There could be a monkey who live in a tree near caves. Or near door to underground bunker place. Stupid humans could talk to the monkey and be monkey's friends. Monkey would be nice and climb up trees to pick coconuts. Or monkey could fight "The Others" and bring back Walt and all the missing children. Then monkey would be hero! Then everyone like monkey, even pretty ladies!

Pretty lady Pretty lady
Pretty ladies

That just one idea. Monkey have lots of ideas. There a million ways to put some monkeys on Lost. But they not listen to monkey.

No one ever listen to monkey.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lost review by Monkey Critic

Last night monkey watch TV show called Lost. Monkey love Lost. Monkey watch stupid humans try to live on jungle island with big scary monster. (Don't worry, monkey not give away any spoilers, fanboy.) Monkey like seeing stupid humans run around scared.

Last night was extra good because they spent a long time walking in the jungle. Monkey like the jungle. It remind monkey of home. Monkey used to climb trees and swing from branches in jungle. Now monkey live in studio apartment with walls so thin monkey hear when next door neighbor has sex. Even when alone. Stupid neighbor, you stop masturbating now!

Monkey not like the big city, but monkey can't be film critic if still living in jungle. So monkey move to big city and live in crappy apartment and drive crappy car. And watch stupid humans run around jungle on Lost.

But jungle not only reason monkey watch Lost. Monkey also like the writers' ability to provide the suspension of disbelief in such an outlandish setting, intercutting emotional character-driven flashbacks with exciting plot-driven stories, and unfolding a mystery over time in such a way that is both frustrating and satisfying.

Oh, and pretty ladies. Pretty pretty ladies.

Monkey give Lost three and a half bananas.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Taco Bell

Monkey went to fast food place called Taco Bell today. Taco Bell screwed up monkey's order. Again. Every time monkey go to Taco Bell they screw up order. If monkey not want cheese on tacos, they put cheese. If monkey want extra tomatoes, they not put tomatoes. If monkey want 1/2 lb Cheesy Bean & Rice Burrito, they give gross Beef & Potato Burrito. Stupid Taco Bell, you get monkey's order right!

Also, Taco Bell never once answer monkey's suggestions for making Banana Burrito. Monkey send emails all the time but Taco Bell never write back. No one ever write monkey.

Monkey still lonely.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Golden Globes

Monkey watch Golden Globes on TV last night. Once again, not a single monkey nominated this year. All monkey know is that Kong better win the best actor Oscar in March. King Kong movie should win everything. Except for stupid Jack Black. Monkey not want him to win anything.

Brokeback Mountain won best drama movie. Monkey think the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has very different tastes than much of Middle America. But monkey have no problem if two cowboys kiss. Though monkey would like a lot more if two cowgirls kiss. Or two cheerleaders.

Also nurses.

And french maids.

Lost won best drama TV show. Monkey like Lost. Lost spend a lot of time in jungle. Monkey talk more about Lost in a future post.

Other winners were Desperate Housewives, and Walk the Line. George Clooney won supporting actor for Syriana. Monkey not gay, but monkey would make Brokeback Mountain movie with George Clooney. Geena Davis won for being President. She is pretty lady. She also very very tall.

Monkey would like to climb Geena Davis.

Monkey saw other pretty ladies there, too. Drew Barrymore wore green dress and no bra. Monkey would make joke about her "golden globes" but everyone else has already. Scarlett Johansson wore bright red dress with a lot of cleavage. Monkey liked. But Keira Knightly wore dress that not show off her breasts. Monkey disappointed, but she beautiful anyway. Pretty Keira Knightly, you show more boobies now!

There were a lot of other awards but monkey tired of writing about stupid humans winning all the time. Also, monkey kept flipping channels and missed a lot.

Monday, January 16, 2006

24 review by Monkey Critic

Monkey watch TV show called 24. Show very confusing for monkey. Too many things to watch at once. And stupid Kiefer Sutherland bugs monkey. Monkey not want to see him any more. Monkey want to see more Elisha Cuthbert. She pretty lady. Maybe she be nice to monkey.

Probably not.
Pretty lady all wet Pretty lady all wet

Monkey think 24 not very realistic. Too much stuff happening for just a single day. Monkey sometimes spend weeks where nothing happen. And why no one ever stuck in traffic for two or three episodes?

Monkey not watch 24 any more. Not unless they have Elisha Cuthbert come back. Stupid 24, you put pretty lady back on show now!

Monkey give 24 no bananas. Except Elisha Cuthbert. She can have monkey's special banana.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


On TV Monkey watch show called The World Series of Poker. Monkey not understand why people watch this. It even less exciting than the World Series of Baseball.

Sometimes monkey play poker with friends. Yes, monkey have friends! No, not imaginary friends. Monkey's friends are real, even though they're stupid humans. Sometimes friends tease monkey for being less evolved. Oh yeah? Monkey have opposable toe! Let's see stupid humans climb tree like monkey. Stupid friends, you stop teasing monkey now!

Why monkey not have monkey friends? You know how hard it is to meet other monkeys in big city?

When stupid friends aren't teasing monkey, we play poker. Monkey usually have fun, but sometimes lose all of monkey's bananas. Then friends tease monkey again.

Monkey need new friends.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Glory Road review by Monkey Critic

Today monkey saw movie called Glory Road. Too much basketball in movie. Monkey not interested in basketball because monkey too short to play. Stupid humans always pick monkey last and never pass ball.

Movie also about racism and black humans not being allowed to play with white humans. Monkey think that stupid. Who cares what color human is? Stupid humans all look the same to monkey: Ugly.

Except for pretty ladies like King Kong's girlfriend.

Still not find pretty lady who likes monkey.

Pretty lady Pretty lady

Also, you think it tough to be black human trying to play basketball in 1966? Try being a monkey who want to be film critic in 2006. Nobody hire monkeys. Not newspapers, not TV shows, not even stupid internet sites. Stupid humans only hire other humans. Monkey think that not fair. It discrimination against hominid-challenged primates. Makes monkey angry. Stupid humans, you give monkey job now!

Monkey give Glory Road no bananas. Monkey fling poo at screen instead.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Jarhead review by Monkey Critic

Monkey watch movie called Jarhead last week. Monkey not like very much. First of all, no heads in jars anywhere. Second, nothing happen in whole movie except Jake Gyllenhall and a bunch of Marines march around in the desert.

Movie spends too much time in desert, none in jungle. Who wants to see desert? No trees to climb in desert. Lots of trees in jungle. Monkey hate stupid desert. But monkey like dessert. But monkey hate that spelling desert and dessert are so similar.

Monkey also hate spelling Jake Gyllenhaal's last name. Monkey also also hate spelling sister Maggie Gyllenhaal's last name. If they have any more brothers or sisters, monkey also also also hate spelling their stupid last names, too.

Monkey have a lot of anger.

You stop bothering monkey now!

Monkey rate Jarhead one banana.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The zombie corpse of Harrison Ford

Monkey just saw commercial for Firewall movie starring Harrison Ford. Movie looks like another Hollywood Homicide. Only worse.

What happened to stupid Harrison Ford? He used to be Mr. Action-Adventure. Now he creaks through movies that make monkey sleepy. Maybe that his goal! Make everyone who sees his movies feel old and lethargic like him.

Stupid Harrison Ford, you stop making movies that put monkey to sleep!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Monkey's first movie review - King Kong!

Even though most movies make monkey want to throw poo at the screen, monkey will start blog with good movie. In fact, it one of monkey's favorites. Movie called King Kong and stars biggest monkey ever! Kong so big he steps on people, beats up dinosaurs, and gets pretty lady to like him. Why no pretty ladies like monkey?

But movie wasn't perfect. Stupid Jack Black (who looks like a monkey) puts Kong in chains and brings to New York. And instead of Kong destroying whole city and taking pretty lady back to island, he falls off building and dies. Also, characters were two-dimensional and the narrative structure was flawed.

Kong is pissed! Kong is pissed!

Monkey not care about that. Kong is monkey's new idol. If monkey was as big as Kong, monkey step on everybody and make them bring bananas! And make pretty ladies like monkey.

Monkey just want pretty lady. Monkey so lonely.

Monkey sad now. Review over!

Monkey rate King Kong four bananas.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Good enough

Monkey not wasting any more time on stupid templates. Monkey done. Bananas on top, words lined up where they're supposed to be, and profile has monkey's new sexy picture.

Tomorrow monkey start talking about movies like wanted to do yesterday. But monkey cranky now. Need to eat some bananas and go to sleep.

Monkey still trying to figure out stupid templates

Monkey liked it better when we all sat at typewriters.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Monkey's first post

Monkey like to watch movies and TV. But monkey see lots of crap. So monkey start blog.

Or trying to.

Why Blogger make it so difficult to put picture of bananas on top? How monkey supposed to change what it says in profile? Why are all monkey's words pushed over to one side?

Monkey hate stupid templates!