Monkey Critic

American Idol review by Monkey Critic

2006-05-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

Monkey watch TV show called American Idol. Monkey think it worst TV show ever! Stupid humans sing boring songs and then get advice from Paula Abdul? And Ryan Seacrest is like an annoying game show host, but with some sort of brain injury. Only good part is when Simon make stupid singers cry.

Monkey hear that this is one of the most watched shows on TV. Monkey not know what this says about the future of you stupid humans, but monkey thinking it might be time for the invevitable Simian Revolution as was foretold in Planet of the Apes movies (NOT stupid Tim Burton's version). Monkey go now. Monkey have to call friends in jungle and make plans.

What monkey feel most, though, is disenchantment. There no place for a monkey critic in world full of humans who are entertained by this stupid crap. Sadly, it time for monkey to retire from the film/tv review business. To the few humans smart enough to visit blog, monkey say thanks for reading.

Monkey give American Idol no bananas. Monkey throw TV through window in anger and disgust.

Monkey go back to jungle now. Monkey say bye.

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Thank You For Smoking review by Monkey Critic

2006-04-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

Over weekend monkey finally get time for self, so monkey see movie called Thank You For Smoking. Movie about stupid lying human who goes around convincing people that it's OK to smoke. It had funny moments, but mostly monkey felt bad for all you stupid humans who are victims of the constant manipulation of the media.

If monkey knew how to manipulate media world would be much better. For monkeys, anyway. Monkey would convince everyone that the only food worth eating is bananas. And that monkey would make great film critic. Also, monkey would convince pretty ladies that hairy is sexier than bald, prehensile toes are an indication of virility, and long arms mean long... banana.

And monkey's arms are very very long.

Monkey give Thank You For Smoking no bananas. Monkey smoke banana peels instead.

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Stupid job

2006-04-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Monkey hate stupid job. Monkey hate that stupid job keep monkey so busy. Monkey hate that stupid humans blacklist monkey from being movie critic and so monkey not have job satisfaction. Or enough bananas.

Why you people not send monkey bananas so monkey not have to work?

For those still reading, thank you for keeping the faith and stopping by monkey's blog. Monkey trying to figure out a schedule that allows posting on a regular basis again. In meantime, you send bananas now!!!

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Busy

2006-03-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

Monkey busy.

So very very busy.

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busy

Unan1mous review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night monkey watch TV show called Unannumberonemous. It about a bunch of stupid humans all locked up together in bunker. They can't come out until they all agree on who gets million dollars.

Monkey took vote after watching. The verdict was unanimous: The show stinks.

Yes, monkey was alone when voting.

Monkey always alone.

Monkey give Unanonemous no bananas. Monkey hope stupid humans run out of oxygen instead.

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Spring

2006-03-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes. Monkey know it's Spring. That doesn't mean that suddenly all is right with the world. You stop telling monkey to cheer up now!

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spring

V for Vendetta review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday monkey watch movie called V for Vendetta. It starred crazy human in mask and pretty lady Natalie Portman. With shaved head.

Pretty bald lady
Monkey was surprised to find out V for Vendetta wasn't just regular superhero movie. It was actually intelligent. Of course there was action and explosions but there was more to it than that. It was political allegory, extrapolating on current affairs to tell story about oppressive government and one human fighting to inspire the rest to rise up.

Monkey think there might be hope for stupid humans after all.

Which makes the upcoming monkey revolution much more difficult. And that pisses monkey off! Stupid humans, you go back to making dumb movies now!

Monkey give V for Vendetta no bananas. Instead monkey suggest humans watch stupid Michael Bay movies to rot your brains.

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Cranky Monkey

2006-03-17T10:20:00.000-08:00

No post today.

You shut up now!

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cranky

Cell phones

2006-03-15T08:24:00.000-08:00

Monkey forgot to mention one thing in review on Monday:

Next stupid human who talks on cell phone in movie theater is getting face full of poo!

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Failure to Launch review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Saturday night monkey see movie called Failure to Launch. Monkey not want to see movie, but there was mix-up with plans. Monkey confused showtimes for Ultraviolet with showtimes for Aquamarine. How monkey supposed to remember which movie is which if Hollywood names them all the same? Stupid movies, you have different names now!

As for Failure to Launch, monkey think title of movie says it all.

Monkey rate Failure to Launch no bananas. Monkey successfully launch poo at it instead.

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Black. White. review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

Other night monkey watch TV show called "Black. White." With periods in title. On show white human family gets made up to be black and black human family gets made up to be white.

Monkey think show has good idea and wants to see what happens, but monkey got bored while watching it. And monkey really hate stupid human Bruno. He dumber than a hippopotamus.

Monkey not understand why stupid humans care if skin is one color or another anyway. You all look like skinny, hairless apes in funhouse mirror. You should try looking like a monkey for a day. You would be less ugly but other stupid humans would not be nice to you. Maybe then you understand why monkey so cranky all the time!

Monkey rate Black. White. two bananas. Monkey rate whoever put periods. in. title. no. bananas.

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Word Cloud

2006-03-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

Because monkey not want to feel left out, monkey give in to peer pressure and make "word cloud" at snapshirts.com. Word cloud collects all words on monkey's blog and sticks them together. The bigger the word in the cloud, the more often it's used on monkey's blog.

Monkey notice the word "stupid" comes up a lot. Also "pretty" and "ladies." And "bananas."

Maybe monkey should show this to psychiatrist.

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Academy Awards review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

Last night monkey watch the 78th Annual Academy Awards. For three and a half hours! Why stupid humans take so long to give out little statues? Probably because they showed 37 montages of old movies. And so many speeches. Monkey not care that you thank your grandmother and agent. Keep show moving so monkey can laugh at humans in funny dresses with ridiculous giant poofy bows on one shoulder like the one worn by otherwise pretty lady Charlize Theron.

Pretty lady with silly bow
And monkey very very upset to see so many humans in the Kodak Theater! Clearly they not want to boycott like monkey asked. King Kong winning stupid Oscars for sound mixing and visual effects not enough! There no excuse for Kong not winning Best Actor. Monkey very unhappy with the complete lack of simian presence on entire show (except for another stupid careerbuilders.com commercial). If Academy not nominate any non-hominid primates next year, monkey might recruit all monkey's friends and simian-friendly humans to start media campaign and protest show with pickett line outside.

Or monkey might just fling poo.

Probably just fling poo.

Monkey rate 78th Annual Academy Awards no bananas. Monkey rate all humans who went to show instead of boycotting negative one million bananas.

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The Office review by Monkey Critic

2006-03-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

Last night monkey watch TV show called The Office. Monkey laugh at boss human Steve Carell. If monkey worked with boss human Steve Carell, monkey would go bananas. No doubt monkey would throw poo at him. And Dwight. Also monkey think Jim is annoying, so he would get pooed, too.

But monkey wouldn't throw poo at pretty lady Pam. Only at her stupid boyfriend.

That's a lot of poo. Good thing monkey not work there.

Pretty office lady
Now that monkey think about it, monkey want to throw that much poo every day at current job. But monkey can't because not want to be fired. Monkey need bananas. You send bananas so monkey can throw poo at stupid human co-workers!

Monkey give The Office no bananas. Also, monkey give current job no bananas. And no poo, either (for now...).

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The Lottery

2006-03-01T08:23:00.000-08:00

Monkey hate stupid lottery. How many times monkey going to have to buy tickets for lottery before monkey win???

Monkey been buying lottery tickets for years now and most ever won was one stupid dollar. Monkey not need one stupid dollar. Monkey need 89 million stupid dollars! Monkey could get lots and lots of bananas with 89 million dollars. And maybe pretty ladies, too.

Stupid lottery, you pick monkey's numbers now!

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Winter Olympics review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend monkey watch TV show called Winter Olympics. Monkey not want to, but it was on 100 channels all the time. Monkey not like it. It look way too cold for monkey. Monkey come from jungle. Monkey not want to be in snow.

Also, what kind of crazy games they play? Skiing is OK, but why you stupid humans combine skiing and shooting into one event? Who names an event "skeleton"? And don't get monkey started on curling. Stupid curlers, you go play a real sport now!

Closing ceremonies also bored monkey. Monkey almost fall asleep while stupid humans in white dresses make shape of stupid white bird. And what does human singer Ricky Martin have to do with Winter Olympics in Italy?

Monkey rate Winter Olympics no bananas. Instead monkey introduce new exhibition sport: poo flinging at stupid humans.

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Dressing rooms

2006-02-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

Monkey went to store to buy some new clothes yesterday. Stupid humans never make clothes that fit monkey very well, so monkey went to dressing room to try them on. Store had one set of dressing rooms that was used by both men and women. Also, dressing room walls don't go all the way up.

Since monkey so good at climbing in jungle, monkey climbed up and looked over walls to find pretty ladies. Monkey crawled along top but only found stupid men and one very NOT pretty lady.

So it really wasn't worth getting kicked out of mall.

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Plantains

2006-02-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Plantains are NOT bananas. Monkey know they look similar but are very very different. Bananas are yellow, soft on the inside, and taste yummy. Plantains are green, hard, and taste like rotten potatoes.

So stop sending monkey plantains instead of bananas! Monkey not think it's funny. If one more stupid human sends plantains, monkey going to send something back. Something that looks similar to chocolate but is very very different.

Don't push monkey!

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Date Movie review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-20T08:18:00.000-08:00

Saturday monkey saw movie called Date Movie. But since no pretty ladies wanted to go on date, monkey went alone and sat in back.

Monkey would review movie more but it not easy to see screen when sobbing into bucket of popcorn.

Monkey give Date Movie no bananas. Monkey give pretty ladies no bananas. Monkey give bucket of popcorn one banana.

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Monkey's stiff neck

2006-02-17T09:28:00.000-08:00

Monkey sleep on bed with old lumpy mattress. Monkey should buy new bed but still need more bananas, so monkey keep sleeping on stupid old mattress.

Yesterday monkey wake up with stiff neck. It hurt very bad on left side, especially if monkey try to turn head. So all day long monkey walk around with head tilted to side.

Friend of monkey wanted to help and said he learned how to straighten it out from a chiropractor. He grabbed monkey's head and jerked it quickly to the right.

Now both sides of neck hurt.

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Valentines Day, part 2

2006-02-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

Monkey say thanks to nice humans and pretty ladies who commiserated with monkey yesterday.

Monkey NOT say thanks to stupid pretty lady at work who, when monkey gave her banana, patted monkey on head and said "You're a great friend."

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Valentines Day

2006-02-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

Monkey hate Valentines Day. It just stupid fake holiday to force male humans to buy cards and flowers and candy. And it make single people feel sad and lonely.

Single monkeys, too.

Stupid Valentines Day, you stop reminding monkey not have pretty lady girlfriend!

When monkey rules over all stupid humans, Valentines Day will be banned. Anyone sending greeting cards on February 14th will get face full of monkey poo. Anyone sending flowers will be fed to hippopotamuses. Only exception is pretty ladies allowed to send bananas to monkey. In fact, pretty ladies required to send bananas to monkey.

In meantime, monkey go and cry self back to sleep now.

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Coffee

2006-02-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

You stupid humans do one thing right: Sweet, sweet coffee. Monkey love coffee. Monkey drink it every day.

Sometimes monkey drink it hot, sometimes monkey drink it cold, sometimes monkey drink it with chocolate mixed in.

Sometimes monkey drink too much coffee and start climbing and jumping and screaming like back in jungle. Also, it make monkey have to pee a lot.

And sometimes, like today, monkey run out of coffee.

Don't mess with monkey when that happens.

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Arrested Development FINALE review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last night monkey stay home and watch final episodes of TV show called Arrested Development. Last half hour was the most brilliant comedy monkey ever seen. But that not matter to stupid Fox executive humans. That not matter to stupid American public humans.

Monkey very very angry with all stupid humans. Even pretty ladies.

Monkey hope you enjoy your stupid Skating with Celebrities and Dancing with Stars and Masturbating with B-List Publicity Whores. Monkey hope you rot your brains with bland emptiness and cliched writing of Joey, Freddie, Yes Dear, King of Queens and all other crap that passes for comedy. Monkey hope you wind up on autopsy table on CSI, Law and Order, Cold Case, Bones, or any of stupid repetitive "procedural shows." And monkey hope you choke on Fear Factor's duck embryos, horse penises, and pig rectums.

Monkey hate you all!

Monkey rate Arrested Development finale four million bananas. Now go away and leave monkey alone!

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Arrested Development review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-10T08:46:00.001-08:00

For three seasons monkey watch TV show called Arrested Development. Apparently monkey was only one. Tonight Fox airs final four episodes (against Winter Olympics opening ceremonies) and then it off to DVD heaven.

Arrested Development was only show that make monkey laugh out loud. It funny, clever, and always surprising. Plus, it had giant banana stand!

But you stupid humans not watch it. You watch sitcoms like According to Jim or King of Queens instead. Another reason why monkey hate you all.

Monkey miss Bluth family already

Monkey give Arrested Development four bananas. Monkey give Fox no bananas because they not ever promote show. And monkey fling poo at American TV audience for having terrible sense of humor.

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Monkey got haircut yesterday

2006-02-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

Monkey hate haircuts. Yesterday stupid "stylist" cut monkey's hair uneven.

Still, maybe monkey shouldn't have thrown scissors at her.

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Stupid busses

2006-02-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

Monkey not like busses. They big and stinky and get in monkey's way. Monkey always get stuck behind bus when it stop to pick up stupid humans. Or bus pushes its way in front of monkey's crappy car. Or it blocks intersection and monkey make can't make right turn. Stupid busses, you let monkey in now!

They think just because they're bigger they do whatever they want. One day monkey will buy a bus and stop in front of them. See how they like it.

One day monkey will do lots of things.

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bus
busses

Superbowl XL review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Monkey watch TV show called Superbowl XL. Monkey think it mandatory viewing in U.S. and monkey not want to break the law.

Monkey thought Superbowl XL was OK. Monkey not understand point of moving brown egg-shaped thing back and forth on fake grass but it was fun watching stupid humans crash into each other.

Monkey know everyone makes big deal about commercials during show, but monkey wasn't impressed. In fact, monkey pissed off about that careerbuilder.com commercial where stupid human work in office with lots of monkeys. That commercial makes monkeys look like jumping idiots and stupid human has to turn chart the right way for them. If monkey was in that office that stupid human would be wearing a face full of poo!

Halftime show was especially boring for monkey. Very old humans sang old songs on giant mouth. Monkey not sure how they not just fall over. Monkey rather see Janet Jackson anyway. She pretty lady. And she have pretty boobie. Stupid Superbowl, you show more boobies now!

Monkey was going to rate Superbowl XL two bananas but monkey taking away one banana for no boobies and another banana for stupid lying monkey commercial. So no bananas for Superbowl XL.

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Stupid humans like Oscars more than monkeys?

2006-02-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

On Thursday monkey wrote post about Oscars and how they not recognize non-hominid primates in 78 years. Monkey ask readers to boycott Academy Awards by staying home and not going to the ceremony on March 5th.

Not one stupid human wanted to boycott with monkey!

So fine! You all go to Kodak Theatre in Hollywood and watch stupid Jon Stewart make stupid jokes and give out stupid statues to stupid humans wearing stupid dresses and making stupid speeches for four stupid hours. Monkey not care. Monkey not need you. Monkey boycott Oscars all by self.

You not boycott with monkey, you not send monkey bananas, you not monkey's friends! Monkey hope Kong sees this and shows up at Kodak Theatre and steps on all you stupid humans. That will serve you right! Maybe then you listen to monkey!

If monkey could, monkey would fling poo at all of you right now.

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Groundhog Day

2006-02-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

All day long yesterday stupid humans tell monkey it's Groundhog Day. Monkey not care about Groundhog Day. Groundhog just stupid rodent. He not able to predict weather. He just come out of hole and sees shadow.

Monkey much smarter than groundhog. Monkey make blog. Monkey write movie reviews. But there's no holiday for monkeys. No one ever comes to monkey's home to ask about weather. No one ever comes to monkey's home.

Monkey not want to hear any more about Groundhog Day until there's a Monkey Day! Once a year, all humans be nice to monkeys for whole day. Also, humans give monkeys all the bananas we can eat. And pretty ladies feed them to us. Naked.

Stupid humans, you make holiday for monkeys now!

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Academy Award nominations

2006-02-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

Even though Oscar nominations were two days ago, they make monkey so angry that not able to write about them until today. So you read monkey's blog now!

First thing monkey want to say is why King Kong not get more Oscar nominations? It best movie of the year. It should be nominated for best picture, best actor (Kong), best actress (pretty lady Naomi Watts), and best everything else. Except stupid Jack Black. Monkey still hate him.

Second thing monkey want to say is why Academy never nominate non-hominid primates? Not once in 78 years. None of the monkeys from any of the three King Kong movies, not the orangutan from those two stupid Clint Eastwood movies, no monkeys from any of the Planet of the Apes movies! Stupid Academy, you nominate simians now!

Third thing monkey want to say is how the hell did Kevin Costner and Mel Gibson each win best director award when Martin Scorsese never did?

Fourth thing monkey want to say is monkey starting boycott of Oscars! They not respect simian actors. Unless they add Kong to best actor category, monkey want everyone who read blog to stay home and not go to stupid Academy Awards ceremony! Who's with monkey?

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State of the Union review by Monkey Critic

2006-02-01T09:43:00.000-08:00

Monkey watch TV show called State of the Union. Monkey not like. It star president human George Bush. Monkey not like George Bush. If monkey was president, monkey would give free bananas for everyone! George Bush not give any bananas.

Show also too long. Stupid George Bush talk and talk for boring hour in room full of stupid humans who kept applauding over and over again. Monkey not think that good idea for TV show. Monkey glad it not on every week.

On the bright side, at least it pre-empted stupid American Idol.

Monkey give State of the Union no bananas. Monkey watch paint dry instead.

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Champagne, part 3

2006-01-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

Now monkey hate champagne even more! Monkey not remember, but ex-girlfriend call to yell at monkey for leaving long message on answering machine Saturday night. She tell monkey not to call any more.

Stupid ex-girlfriend, monkey not even want to call you any more. Monkey glad we broke up. Monkey not need you. Monkey not care if you have new boyfriend. Monkey can have pretty ladies whenever monkey want.

Monkey really really hate champagne.

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Champagne, part 2

2006-01-29T18:47:00.000-08:00

Monkey hate champagne. Champagne make monkey feel sick. Monkey not get out of bed until noon and then threw up in toilet bowl. Then monkey have horrible headache all day. Monkey still not feel good.

Stupid champagne, you stop hurting monkey now!

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Champagne

2006-01-28T23:33:00.000-08:00

Monkey have champagne at dinnner tonight . Group of us ceblerated friend's birthda y at nice restrauran. Monkey like chammpagne. it taste goodand have litle bubbels so monkey drink lots andlots of it.

Now monkey homne and feel happy. moneyk also feel al ittle sleepy, but monkey not wanto go to bed yet. Maybe monkey wil call ex0girlffriend. Monke misss her and want to talk But mabye tha tnot suhc a good idea

maybe monkey just ea tsome banans and watch tV. Where monkey put sutipd remot econtrol? Why cmonky not ever findi it when need i?t

nmonkey dizzzy now .And veyr tired. MOnky worite more tomowrr

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Underworld: Evolution review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

Monkey see movie called Underworld: Evolution. Monkey not like. Only good thing in movie was pretty lady Kate Beckinsale. She wear skin-tight black outfit that very very sexy. Monkey want to peel her like banana.

Monkey found movie very confusing. Monkey not understand all this werewolf/vampire stuff. Movie spend a lot of time trying to explain it, but it just make monkey bored. And distract monkey from watching pretty lady.

Pretty lady with scary knife
Monkey give Underworld: Evolution no bananas. Except for costume designer. Monkey give four bananas to costume designer.

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Chopsticks

2006-01-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

Why you stupid humans invent chopsticks? Monkey eat Chinese food for lunch today and not understand them. Fork stabs food and picks it up. All chopsticks do is pinch food. Monkey can pinch food with fingers! Monkey not need stupid chopsticks. Monkey just eat chow mein with hands.

Now monkey not allowed in Chinese restaurant any more.

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UPN, WB, and the CW

2006-01-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

Monkey hear on news today that UPN and WB are merging into one network. For some reason stupid TV executives think "The CW" is good name for it. The CW sound more like it should be magazine about car washes. Or cat wieners.

They say they decided to merge because old networks had stupid TV shows and low ratings. Monkey not think CW will help. It probably just mean one network but with twice the suck.

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Skating with Celebrities review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

Last night monkey watch TV show called Skating with Celebrities. It make monkey wonder what the hell wrong with stupid humans? Did you think Dancing with the Stars was good, but it might be better if on ice? Was watching B-level former sitcom actors like John O'Hurley fumble through boring dance routines so compelling that we needed to fill airwaves with F-level former sitcom stars Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges repeatedly falling on their talentless asses?

Monkey like TV. Monkey want to see good TV. Every time show like Skating with Celebrities is on, it hurts monkey. Stupid TV, you stop torturing monkey now!

Monkey give Skating with Celebrities no bananas. Monkey cry self to sleep instead.

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Bad post yesterday

2006-01-23T15:17:00.001-08:00

Monkey sorry for yesterday's post. Monkey was low on bananas and got cranky.

Monkey sometimes get so busy with other things, not have time to write for blog. Monkey hate being busy. Monkey also hate having to explain self. Monkey do what monkey do. You cut monkey some slack now! You not pressure monkey!

Sorry. Monkey still low on bananas.

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No post yesterday

2006-01-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

Monkey not write for blog yesterday. Monkey busy. Monkey already waste too much time on stupid blog. Besides, monkey not have to post every day. You not send monkey bananas every day!

Why you even care when monkey post? What business of yours is it what monkey do? You not boss of monkey. You get off monkey's back!

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Monkey have more to say about Lost

2006-01-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

Monkey want to talk a little more about Lost today. And it monkey's blog so monkey write what monkey want.

The only reason monkey not rate Lost four bananas is because in all this time they've never run into any simians on the island. Why there not any monkeys in big jungle? There are stupid boars and at least two polar bears.

There could be a monkey who live in a tree near caves. Or near door to underground bunker place. Stupid humans could talk to the monkey and be monkey's friends. Monkey would be nice and climb up trees to pick coconuts. Or monkey could fight "The Others" and bring back Walt and all the missing children. Then monkey would be hero! Then everyone like monkey, even pretty ladies!

Pretty ladies

That just one idea. Monkey have lots of ideas. There a million ways to put some monkeys on Lost. But they not listen to monkey.

No one ever listen to monkey.

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Lost review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

Last night monkey watch TV show called Lost. Monkey love Lost. Monkey watch stupid humans try to live on jungle island with big scary monster. (Don't worry, monkey not give away any spoilers, fanboy.) Monkey like seeing stupid humans run around scared.

Last night was extra good because they spent a long time walking in the jungle. Monkey like the jungle. It remind monkey of home. Monkey used to climb trees and swing from branches in jungle. Now monkey live in studio apartment with walls so thin monkey hear when next door neighbor has sex. Even when alone. Stupid neighbor, you stop masturbating now!

Monkey not like the big city, but monkey can't be film critic if still living in jungle. So monkey move to big city and live in crappy apartment and drive crappy car. And watch stupid humans run around jungle on Lost.

But jungle not only reason monkey watch Lost. Monkey also like the writers' ability to provide the suspension of disbelief in such an outlandish setting, intercutting emotional character-driven flashbacks with exciting plot-driven stories, and unfolding a mystery over time in such a way that is both frustrating and satisfying.

Oh, and pretty ladies. Pretty pretty ladies.

Monkey give Lost three and a half bananas.

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Taco Bell

2006-01-18T15:24:00.000-08:00

Monkey went to fast food place called Taco Bell today. Taco Bell screwed up monkey's order. Again. Every time monkey go to Taco Bell they screw up order. If monkey not want cheese on tacos, they put cheese. If monkey want extra tomatoes, they not put tomatoes. If monkey want 1/2 lb Cheesy Bean & Rice Burrito, they give gross Beef & Potato Burrito. Stupid Taco Bell, you get monkey's order right!

Also, Taco Bell never once answer monkey's suggestions for making Banana Burrito. Monkey send emails all the time but Taco Bell never write back. No one ever write monkey.

Monkey still lonely.

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Golden Globes

2006-01-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

Monkey watch Golden Globes on TV last night. Once again, not a single monkey nominated this year. All monkey know is that Kong better win the best actor Oscar in March. King Kong movie should win everything. Except for stupid Jack Black. Monkey not want him to win anything.

Brokeback Mountain won best drama movie. Monkey think the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has very different tastes than much of Middle America. But monkey have no problem if two cowboys kiss. Though monkey would like a lot more if two cowgirls kiss. Or two cheerleaders.

Also nurses.

And french maids.

Lost won best drama TV show. Monkey like Lost. Lost spend a lot of time in jungle. Monkey talk more about Lost in a future post.

Other winners were Desperate Housewives, and Walk the Line. George Clooney won supporting actor for Syriana. Monkey not gay, but monkey would make Brokeback Mountain movie with George Clooney. Geena Davis won for being President. She is pretty lady. She also very very tall.

Monkey would like to climb Geena Davis.

Monkey saw other pretty ladies there, too. Drew Barrymore wore green dress and no bra. Monkey would make joke about her "golden globes" but everyone else has already. Scarlett Johansson wore bright red dress with a lot of cleavage. Monkey liked. But Keira Knightly wore dress that not show off her breasts. Monkey disappointed, but she beautiful anyway. Pretty Keira Knightly, you show more boobies now!

There were a lot of other awards but monkey tired of writing about stupid humans winning all the time. Also, monkey kept flipping channels and missed a lot.

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24 review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

Monkey watch TV show called 24. Show very confusing for monkey. Too many things to watch at once. And stupid Kiefer Sutherland bugs monkey. Monkey not want to see him any more. Monkey want to see more Elisha Cuthbert. She pretty lady. Maybe she be nice to monkey.

Probably not.
Pretty lady all wet
Monkey think 24 not very realistic. Too much stuff happening for just a single day. Monkey sometimes spend weeks where nothing happen. And why no one ever stuck in traffic for two or three episodes?

Monkey not watch 24 any more. Not unless they have Elisha Cuthbert come back. Stupid 24, you put pretty lady back on show now!

Monkey give 24 no bananas. Except Elisha Cuthbert. She can have monkey's special banana.

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Poker

2006-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

On TV Monkey watch show called The World Series of Poker. Monkey not understand why people watch this. It even less exciting than the World Series of Baseball.

Sometimes monkey play poker with friends. Yes, monkey have friends! No, not imaginary friends. Monkey's friends are real, even though they're stupid humans. Sometimes friends tease monkey for being less evolved. Oh yeah? Monkey have opposable toe! Let's see stupid humans climb tree like monkey. Stupid friends, you stop teasing monkey now!

Why monkey not have monkey friends? You know how hard it is to meet other monkeys in big city?

When stupid friends aren't teasing monkey, we play poker. Monkey usually have fun, but sometimes lose all of monkey's bananas. Then friends tease monkey again.

Monkey need new friends.

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Glory Road review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

Today monkey saw movie called Glory Road. Too much basketball in movie. Monkey not interested in basketball because monkey too short to play. Stupid humans always pick monkey last and never pass ball.

Movie also about racism and black humans not being allowed to play with white humans. Monkey think that stupid. Who cares what color human is? Stupid humans all look the same to monkey: Ugly.

Except for pretty ladies like King Kong's girlfriend.

Still not find pretty lady who likes monkey.

Pretty lady
Also, you think it tough to be black human trying to play basketball in 1966? Try being a monkey who want to be film critic in 2006. Nobody hire monkeys. Not newspapers, not TV shows, not even stupid internet sites. Stupid humans only hire other humans. Monkey think that not fair. It discrimination against hominid-challenged primates. Makes monkey angry. Stupid humans, you give monkey job now!

Monkey give Glory Road no bananas. Monkey fling poo at screen instead.

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Jarhead review by Monkey Critic

2006-01-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Monkey watch movie called Jarhead last week. Monkey not like very much. First of all, no heads in jars anywhere. Second, nothing happen in whole movie except Jake Gyllenhall and a bunch of Marines march around in the desert.

Movie spends too much time in desert, none in jungle. Who wants to see desert? No trees to climb in desert. Lots of trees in jungle. Monkey hate stupid desert. But monkey like dessert. But monkey hate that spelling desert and dessert are so similar.

Monkey also hate spelling Jake Gyllenhaal's last name. Monkey also also hate spelling sister Maggie Gyllenhaal's last name. If they have any more brothers or sisters, monkey also also also hate spelling their stupid last names, too.

Monkey have a lot of anger.

You stop bothering monkey now!

Monkey rate Jarhead one banana.

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The zombie corpse of Harrison Ford

2006-01-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

Monkey just saw commercial for Firewall movie starring Harrison Ford. Movie looks like another Hollywood Homicide. Only worse.

What happened to stupid Harrison Ford? He used to be Mr. Action-Adventure. Now he creaks through movies that make monkey sleepy. Maybe that his goal! Make everyone who sees his movies feel old and lethargic like him.

Stupid Harrison Ford, you stop making movies that put monkey to sleep!

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Monkey's first movie review - King Kong!

2006-01-11T22:25:00.000-08:00

Even though most movies make monkey want to throw poo at the screen, monkey will start blog with good movie. In fact, it one of monkey's favorites. Movie called King Kong and stars biggest monkey ever! Kong so big he steps on people, beats up dinosaurs, and gets pretty lady to like him. Why no pretty ladies like monkey?

But movie wasn't perfect. Stupid Jack Black (who looks like a monkey) puts Kong in chains and brings to New York. And instead of Kong destroying whole city and taking pretty lady back to island, he falls off building and dies. Also, characters were two-dimensional and the narrative structure was flawed.

Kong is pissed!
Monkey not care about that. Kong is monkey's new idol. If monkey was as big as Kong, monkey step on everybody and make them bring bananas! And make pretty ladies like monkey.

Monkey just want pretty lady. Monkey so lonely.

Monkey sad now. Review over!

Monkey rate King Kong four bananas.

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Good enough

2006-01-10T23:26:00.000-08:00

Monkey not wasting any more time on stupid templates. Monkey done. Bananas on top, words lined up where they're supposed to be, and profile has monkey's new sexy picture.

Tomorrow monkey start talking about movies like wanted to do yesterday. But monkey cranky now. Need to eat some bananas and go to sleep.

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Monkey still trying to figure out stupid templates

2006-01-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

Monkey liked it better when we all sat at typewriters.

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Monkey's first post

2006-01-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

Monkey like to watch movies and TV. But monkey see lots of crap. So monkey start blog.

Or trying to.

Why Blogger make it so difficult to put picture of bananas on top? How monkey supposed to change what it says in profile? Why are all monkey's words pushed over to one side?

Monkey hate stupid templates!

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